Abhinivesha: Fear of Death

When I first leaned to meditate, it wa s a profound experience. I learned to develop a new relationship with myself on a breath by breath basis. I would observe the inhale, and I learned that if I welcomed it with openess and kindness, I was able to create a positive, gentle attitude towards myself that nourished me. Even as I write in this very moment, I am still cultivting that sense of observing with kindness. That first lesson in meditation was, it seems, still with me. 

I learned that the exhale, the active part of the breath, requires more patience. And it was here that I found my fear of death manifesting. Not like sheer terror, but as I watched myself breathing and I noticed my chest tightening, particularly as I neared the end of the exhale, it was as though I was fearful that I wouldn’t take another breath. Or if I did that it would be full of complicated emotions. This is where I learned to trust. Trust in nature, trust in myself, trust in my life force. From this moment of realisation, I instntly felt freer and more at ease. I had been carrying around this fear of death with me for a lifetime. As I slowed the breath, I could sense myself slipping into its trap on every exhale. Abhinivesha is not one of the five kleshas for no reason. It is an obstacle to samadhi because we unconsciously slip into its clutches quite easily, and it is full of fear.

The exhale is also a good place to get curious. Ask yourself, what am I feeling? We all want to breathe easily and be kind to what we encounter, which means being honest about what we find when we look inside. I’m not sure I would have believed my inner landscape was so detailed and changeable when I first started meditating. In many ways, I long for those early days when I was learning to watch my self, before I knew how complicated I was, and how much I had to learn. I know now that I was looking at the first layer of self awareness, before I peeled away all the other layers that were waiting for me inside.

But it wouldn’t be very honest if I ignored everything that I have found since those days. And on reflection I think I am lighter for digesting all the ‘goo’ that I have discovered during my many of hours of meditation since. The instances of abhinivesha have become more varied, and my appreication of its sensitive nature, especially when sensing it in other people. Fear of death can be allied with all kinds of feelings, and it is often masked with anger, rage even. Finding it in someone else is equally tough. The sensation can be very uncomfortable, but the longer I am able to ‘be’ with it, the sooner I can realise what I am looking at and compassion can become the greater emotion.